lugubriousmoron

This is how bad my farts smell at work...

2010-11-08T14:54:00.004-05:00

I've been eating a lot of broccoli and beans lately for lunch with my salads. It basically generates enough gas inside my bowels to fill an industrial sized propane tank. In the afternoon I freely toot it out in steady intervals, never considering that fact that it could effect the people that sit 20ft away from me.

Brown, Sally [2:24 PM]:
Hi Tony

Vecchi, Tony [2:24 PM]:
hello

Brown, Sally [2:24 PM]:
Quick question for ya
Brown, Sally [2:25 PM]:
have you been smelling anything lately in the afternoon?
Brown, Sally [2:25 PM]:
almost like eggs or something

Vecchi, Tony [2:25 PM]:
yea its kinda weird...
Vecchi, Tony [2:25 PM]:
i have no idea what it is
Vecchi, Tony [2:25 PM]:
maybe a pipe broke or something? hahah

Brown, Sally [2:25 PM]:
I know do you smell it now?
Brown, Sally [2:26 PM]:
I might have security come try to smell it haha

Vecchi, Tony [2:26 PM]:
hahahaha

Brown, Sally [2:26 PM]:
I smell it

Vecchi, Tony [2:26 PM]:
yea its kinda strange, i smell it to. i think other people have said they smell it

Brown, Sally [2:26 PM]:
but I want to wait until its really strong so they dont think Im crazy

Vecchi, Tony [2:26 PM]:
hahhaha
Vecchi, Tony [2:26 PM]:
yea its kind of an... interesting situation
Vecchi, Tony [2:27 PM]:
well if you call them, i'll say something too

Brown, Sally [2:27 PM]:
its like at the printer area I think dont you?

Vecchi, Tony [2:28 PM]:
as much as i can smell in a certain direction, yes that seems to be where its eminating from
Vecchi, Tony [2:28 PM]:
i wonder if like an animal built a nest in the ceiling or something crazy like that

Brown, Sally [2:29 PM]:
I know it really gross smelling and its only in the afternoon
Brown, Sally [2:29 PM]:
I message John O'Brien and told him to come cause it smells but he is away from his computer haha

Vecchi, Tony [2:30 PM]:
hahahah oh man
Vecchi, Tony [2:30 PM]:
well thanks for taking the time to do something about it

Brown, Sally [2:31 PM]:
haha just wanted to make sure I wasnt the only one smelling it

Vecchi, Tony [2:32 PM]:
no i definitely catch a wiff of it from time to time
Vecchi, Tony [2:32 PM]:
seems like it's worse for you though!

Brown, Sally [2:34 PM]:
I know people probably think its me haha!

Vecchi, Tony [2:35 PM]:
hahahah awe man, well hopefully they'll figure it out soon or it goes away or something

Brown, Sally [2:35 PM]:
I think Justin Hebert is coming soon to smell around

Vecchi, Tony [2:35 PM]:
thank god

*At this point about 5 people show up and smell around Sally's desk. "Smells like eggs!" "Why does it only happen in the afternoon?" "I think it's you Sally!" were some quotes. The maintenance man decides to check below and above Sally's desk.

Brown, Sally [2:44 PM]:
I think for now I am just going to get a whole bunch of febreeze haha

Vecchi, Tony [2:45 PM]:
hahahah alright
Vecchi, Tony [2:45 PM]:
spritz some over in my direction too

Brown, Sally [2:47 PM]:
I will spray the entire hallway for sure

A Quick Email To My Voice Teacher Sent While Hungover

2010-06-28T09:48:00.002-04:00

Sunday, June 27th, 2010

Dear XXX,

Unfortunately I need to cancel my lesson for this coming Monday the 28th. I drank myself into a retarded stupor last night and will only be able to produce sounds akin to that of a croaking frog for the next few days. Also, I believe I'm getting sick with that cold everyone who takes public transportation seems to have, despite my efforts to cover my face and hold my breath when a stranger coughs in my general direction. Also, I smoked a cigarette Saturday night. Also, I'm broke. With all of these reasons combined I hope you understand that if we were to meet this week our lesson would be you siting there playing piano and running through scales with an aged walrus blowing notes through a flat tire whose only payment would be a rusty tin can with 1 bean left inside.

I look forward to continuing our lessons next month, when I will be fully recovered, sober, and financially stable.

Thanks!

-Tony

Imagine If All The Water Disapeared

2010-05-12T12:13:00.006-04:00

Bottled water that is.

During the Boil Order last week in Boston we saw a rampage for bottled water which left every CVS, Wholefoods, Target, and HESS gas station completely bereft of H20. I just so happened to be watching The Notebook that day and I swear to god my neighbor siphoned off my tears with a straw! The aqua-fervor became so outrageous there were stories of people buying water out of other people's shopping carts before they even reached the register only to have to buy it again! It wasn't like the water in our faucets was toxic, it wasn't as if when you turned on the cold tap a green mucus sludge belched forth into a frothing mass that ate through the floor. The water just had to be boiled. That's it! Just boiled. In my experiment it took about a half hour to boil 6 gallons of water, which is enough drinking water for 6 people a day. Then why the terror? Why did the Boil Order bubble over into a nightmare?

Because we're lazy.

Imagine this. During the Boil Order you actually boiled some water, filled a bottle, and let it sit overnight in the fridge to cool. What does it make? You guessed it, bottled water! Well put a feather in my cap Rob Hood because I just done make me a cup o' water.

So, what would have happened if we didn't have mountains of bottled water at our disposal? What if we lived in Concord when the water went bad?

Concord, MA Bans Bottled Water Sales: Environmentalists Confused With Encountering Common Sense and Eco-Empathy

In modern day Concord you can't buy bottled water! I imagine people's initial reaction upon hearing this is something akin to, "NOOOOOOO! I need my FIIJIIIIII WATER! I BABA DUBBA WAWA!"

Well my babies, too bad. Because of our collective laziness and irresponsibility we aren't allowed to have bottled water anymore. We're choking the environment with a plastic grip, we're polluting the oceans with discarded pull tabs and suckle tips. We've proved to this planet that we, as a human race, cannot handle the simple responsibility of reusing or recycling water bottles. What do you think? When you toss that Poland Springs out the window it lands on a bed of moss and is embraced back into the earth with the gentle arms of Mother Nature? NO! It just sits there. Then a baby raccoon finds it and somehow gets its head stuck inside. Soon little Ricky suffocates and dies and lies there to rot in the hot August sun. And it's your fault.

Don't blame the government or local town officials. They're just trying to lead you back upon the righteous path. Like I said before, we can't control ourselves. We are lazy and irresponsible and it's the government's job (sometimes) to guide and lead us in the most propitious direction.

So what if all the bottled water disappeared? What would we do? Gee... I don't know. What did people do 100 years ago when they were thirsty?

Think about it.

I imagine a Utopian paradise were every person each has their very own special water container that they keep for life. They'll be called, "Glug Sacks" and will be passed down from generation to generation. Different cultures will decorate their Glug Sacks with amazing colors and designs and form a strong communal bond. Across the world fountains of water will be available to all, each with an engraving that reads, "Water is the life mother. May it be free to all who desire."

Let's make it happen folks.

Can I have a sip from your Glug Sack?

Facebook Privacy Debate

2010-05-07T09:49:00.003-04:00

I believe the saying is something akin to, "treat everything you do on the internet as if it were going to be the headline on tomorrow's newspaper." We as a generation (and perhaps a society) have no education on proper e-etiquette. Facebook is a wonderful tool if you use it properly, i.e. filter out friends you don't want, don't profess your innermost thoughts and emotions for the world to see in a status update, don't post pics of yourself naked guzzling pistachio pudding out of a plastic lawn ornament in the shape of a pig. It's about sensibility and responsibility.

I can't blame Facebook for wanting to cash in on people's info. I mean, they're not a philanthropist organization. How is Facebook going to profit if they can't collect and sell statistics on how many people have "Hebrew National Hotdogs" and "Justin Bieber" listed in their interests? And then, how will Bieber Dogs ever hit the market if companies don't know what people are interested in!? See? It's all for a good cause! Bieber Dogs in yo mouth!

My Review of MGMT's New Album "Shitabrontosaurusrex"

2010-03-30T09:31:00.006-04:00

Since the internet already leaked their album, MGMT decided to say to the world, "You can't fire us, we already quit!"

Such guile! They preemptively posted their entire album before it hit the streets to get a one-up on their fans? Uh... let's hear what they have to say about this idea:

"We wanted to offer it as a free download but that didn't make sense to anyone but us"

Well yes! Of course it didn't make sense to anyone else BUT YOU (you rebels, you) because now your record label can't trick people into paying $10 to get sprayed in the face with a torrent of shit. They'll see it coming and run away before the first drop hits their cheek.

Anyway, take a listen!

http://www.whoismgmt.com/

OH HOW COOL A SONG ABOUT BRIAN ENO! I KNOW HIM!

Albums to listen to instead of the new MGMT album:

- Every album by the Kinks
- Having a Rave Up with The Yard Birds
- The Man Who Sold The World & Hunky Dory
- A recoding of a man inside an echo chamber who is vomiting pickles into a metal bucket

All of these are better than, or the original versions of, any of the musical ideas put forth in that album.

Green Line D to Riverside: Sink Hole to Hell

2010-03-19T10:03:00.008-04:00

This is what I have had to deal with EVERY morning on my commute this week. The train stops directly in front of the sink hole, everyone gets out, and then we cross this janky ol' half-assed rope bridge they built over the water. It's hard because people are in a rush so they scramble across the ropes and shake the whole damn thing around causing people to drop their coffees and briefcases. Yesterday this old woman fell right in the water and just sank straight down to the bottom, nothing but bubbles coming up afterward. One of the MBTA guys threw his cigarette butt in the hole and said, "shoulda taken the bus lady."

Full Story:
http://www.universalhub.com/2010/sinkhole-ate-green-line

Mandolin

2010-03-12T10:59:00.001-05:00

My mandolin is dead forever. How will I sing my sorrow? Only the somber chirp of a such an instrument could express my bereft heart, but without it, how can I? What kinda of infinite vortex of despondency have I found myself in?

2010-03-07T11:33:00.001-05:00

GO MEAT!!!

2010-02-19T12:18:00.010-05:00

Watch:

This is easily on of the most disturbing and hellish commercials I have ever seen. There are a total of 6 of these made for the super bowl. The slogan can be seen in other commercials as well, including one with a group of children sitting around a table making bologna masks by taking bites out of the folded slices. They don their creations, grab fist fulls of sausage, run outside, kick a dog and then jump into the air screaming "GO MEAT!" The End.

The most horrifying aspect of this? How attractive all of these commercials are. How catchy, memorable, delightful and funny they are so the images stick in your head like cheese to a greasy beef patty slapped upon the grille. They are SO good that people, actually entire families -- mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters -- have been reproducing these commercials on YouTube. For Fun!

This one has some nice Christian undertones to it:

3 teenage girls all dressed in white sitting on a golf course singing a song about meat? God bless us all!

Anyway, all I have to say is...

GO MEAT!

GO MEAT!!

GO MEAT!!!

GO MEAT!!!!

The following is a letter to the persons I share a band rehersal space with...

2010-01-28T14:46:00.002-05:00

Dear Friends of The Practice Space,

I am writing to urgently relay to you a warning to not drink from the bottle of Jack Daniels I left in the practice space with a note attached reading, "FREE WHISKEY! DRINK UP! (Lost the cap!)"

This bottle is full of pestilence. I regret not informing you sooner, but I am just recovering from an illness caused by drinking this vile alcohol. I have struggled hard and saved my strength to be able to type this email and send word of that wretched, infected bottle.

You see, on Monday Matt and I decided to share a pint of whiskey and thus ventured to Davis square in order to acquire one. Upon exiting the store I slipped on a patch of wet ground and in my bumbling grasp for balance let loose our mid-day treat from my hand. It twirled and spun in the air like a boozed up husky whore from The Other Side strip club located in Fitchburg, MA and landed square on it's head in the middle of a puddle! The cap cracked open and spilt forth whiskey into the streets, a hobo's dream indeed! -- but our nightmare. Quickly I snatched the bottle from the ground and managed to recover half of its contents. I hid it in my jacket pocket and returned to the space.

With my Les Paul slung over my shoulder I gulped from the bottle and pretended I was the man I look up to most, Jimmy Paige. However I noticed something a bit wrong with the flavor of me and my idol's favorite drink. It tasted somewhat of puddle water. Matt took a sip and agreed, but said not to worry since the alcohol would most likely kill any germs within. Upon leaving I decided I did not want to tote around a whiskey bottle with a broken cap so i decided to leave it for the next band to enjoy. I only wish I had thrown it away instead...

Without going in to too much detail I will say that after returning home from drinking the puddle whiskey both Matt and I became horribly ill. For the past two days I have experienced incontinence and vomiting and Matt has suffered a cold and swollen throat. There is still some contention as to whether or not the puddle whiskey was the cause of sickness, and be it coincidence or not, the bottle is a dark portent and has touched both of our cursed lips.

Please, if JJ Puff n' Stuff and The Lost Boys (or whatever that other band we share the place with is called) hasn't already imbibed the inimical concotion, I implore you to dispose of it as you see fit. I would suggest throwing it out into the sunlight as it will most surely turn into a serpent which will then slither down the nearest bildge pipe into the sewers from whence it came.

My deepest apologies,

-Anthony Vecchi

Hot Chowda?

2010-01-11T08:07:00.006-05:00

If you haven't already, please listen to the first 5 seconds of this song:

To the uneducated undergrad ear the first line of the song could very easily sound like, "In December / Drinking hot chowder" especially if you're driving around the greater Boston area on a cold January morning with an empty stomach, much like I was when I first heard this delightful tune. Now, I know that in the world of misheard lyrics there are numerous far stretching accusations that don't quite make sense when a purportedly "misheard" line is perfectly intelligible, but I think in this instance I am completely justified in misconstruing an already abstruse lyric.

Horchata? How am I, the benighted day dwelling layman who can barely ask for a vanilla chai at Dunkin Donuts, supposed to know of a traditional Latin American beverage made from exotic spices I've never tasted? Nope! Sounds like HOT CHOWDA to me! And so, when driving to get a bagel with my girlfriend this morning I was quite confused as to why someone would want to drink their hot chowder instead of eat it with a spoon like a normal person.

Of course I couldn't just leave the subject alone and had to incessantly repeat my sentiments of confused disgust while my lady and I were waiting for bagels. "Hot chowder? Drinking hot chowder? What? Thats disgusting!" and so forth. Much to my lady's chagrin this revolving image of a man drinking chowder was starting to make her sick and even the woman behind the counter stifled a nauseas burp or two. Slurping hot chowder? Fine. Maybe even sipping it... but drinking it? Chugging it? The thought of the *glug* glug* *gurp* *gurp* sounds eminating from the throat of Vampire Weekend's lead singer as he takes down a hot cup o' chowder on a cold morning in December, throat muscles convulsing and straining to swallow creamy hot chunks of clam, white goop dribbling down the sides of his slightly stubbly cheeks. It starts dripping on to his ascot and then... well... uh... I suppose thats not what he actually meant in the first place because if you read the lyrics you'll discover the song takes place on the beach with crabs snipping at your sandals as you moon over some long lost tool shed.

You know what? I don't think I'll ever try horchata because of this song. I think Vampire Weekend should keep their lyrics simple and sing about tractors, love, and beer. If they want us to try horchata then at the end of the song they can add, "and yea, horchata is a pretty good drink from South America that you might want to try" instead of having to sing it with all the lyrical inflections and stylized syllabic adornments that do nothing more but confuse me, your regular every day chowder-minded Joe.

Growing Up

2009-12-15T23:21:00.002-05:00

I can't wear a jacket with my suit because my jacket crushes my suit. My boss asks me every day, "no jacket?" and I say, "sir, my jacket crushes my suit."

College Prep

2009-11-22T10:57:00.003-05:00

If I was going to teach a college prep course, on the first day I would call one student to the front of the class, hold up a giant hoop, and have him jump through. When he got to the other side I would ask him to jump back, repeating this request over and over until he became out of breath. I would then give my congratulations and ask if he would like to attend grad school -- a flaming hoop hanging over a tank of piranhas.

Trip Report: Iced Gingerbread Clif Bar

2008-12-04T12:34:00.005-05:00

Dosage: 1 Bar | 64 grams | Eaten over 5 minutes

I have to admit that even before I started writing this report I have eaten about half the bar already. So the results may be a little skewed.

Come and join me on a flavor-expedition!

+0:00:00 Being a hypochondriac, I have to ensure that my Clif Bar is opened in a way that creates a little "Clif Cradle." This allows me to place breakfast down on my workspace without having it touch the highly lysol'ed surface which is no doubt seething with germs left by the cleaners.

+0:00:15 This "health" bar has a frosting droozled* all over it! Yunk!

+0:00:30 Every Clif Bar has a foundation flavor that seats any of the various hues of taste such as the much abhorred "Chocolate Mint" to the mellifluous "Toffee Nut Crunch." With the first bite I experience an underwhelming taste of gingerbread and more of the standard oatey, sugary Clif Bar base.

+0:00:36 After chewing a bit more the taste of gingerbread seeps in and covers my tongue with a warming glow of familiarity. Despite the frosting, this Clif Bar has a mild taste to it.

+0:01:30 I feel a little sick now. Should anyone be tasting gingerbread this early in the morning? I don't think so. Not unless they're waking up at 4am on Christmas Eve to snap off a piece of gingerbread house.

+0:02:21 Well... that was a tepid affair. It was basically your standard Clif experience. I am satisfied.

+0:03:07 My thigh itches.

+0:05:44 I am hungry again.

*1 Droozle = A variant of "drizzle" except used in instances of extreme sloppiness and over abundance. E.g. "Damn! Why do they always droozle so much cream cheese on my bagel bites! I almost yunked* in the toilet!"

*2 Yunk = Vomit, except while crying. E.g. "I yunked when that skunk sprayed my little sister and then she gave me a hug."

2008-12-04T09:15:00.004-05:00

I perfectly understand the pun of "Heel The Love" yet taken outside its canine context, the phrase seems a bit awkward. The verb "heel" has manifold usage but commonly means to follow or chase closely, or to have under subjugation. It can also mean to put the heels on something, as in a shoe, or even to arm a fighting cock with spurs! I do not think the movie's producers were aware of the astounding depth of the word "heel" when pinning it to their film about a Christmas pup that pisses in Ownen Wilson's hamper or whatever.

Now, whenever I see the tag line "Heel The Love" I will think it means either of 4 things:

1. "Chase after love like a silly puppy with a ribbon tied around your neck!"
2. "Control the love! It's an unruly bitch who needs to be properly beaten every night and left outside! DOWN GIRL! DOWN! HEEL!"
3. "Love is getting a little worn out and needs new heels. Are you a cobbler?"
4. "You want me to attach this metal spur to the tip of my "love" and then fight another similarly clad man in a pit while lecherous old men bet on our lives? On Christmas day? Wait... with my Papa!?"

I believe the movie industry needs to have an English Major check all of their movie posters, trailers, and other promotional media for connotation errata. Otherwise, we might just have a little cockfighting problem.

Family Vacation

2008-11-07T16:23:00.002-05:00

Mother: Guess what today is my little coconut?
Daughter: (Groggy) Wha… what?
Mother: Comon’ sleepy head, today’s the day of our carnival cruise! Just you and me! (The mother holds up two tickets)
Daughter: (Jumping out of bed instantly) YEAAAA!

Screen Wipe Effect: A twinkle from the girl's eye explodes over the screen, transitioning the scene.

Docks. We see the mother and daughter walking away from a car. Both are wearing brightly colored dresses and holding suitcases. The mother wears a large hat with a gaudy assortment of flowers on it. The daughter is all smiles. They prance across a busy dock with many other travelers coming and going.

Daughter: Oh mama! I’m so excited! To finally leave the island and see something new!
Mother: Yes, your time has come. (Her smile is gone now.)
Daughter: What?

Two menacing sailors appear from behind a crate and grab the daughter, dragging her onto a smaller ship that looks very rusty and dangerous.

Daughter: MAMA? MAMA! WHATS HAPPENING? MAMA?
Mother: Goodbye my tiny coconut shell. I will see you again somday.
Daughter: (Tears in her eyes. She is shaking) MOOMMAAAA!!!

iCapitalization

2008-09-16T08:39:00.007-04:00

Capitalization has been smacked around like Brett Hart being pounded in the head with a folding chair by The Undertaker. (Note: And no! I will not excuse myself for referencing the golden age of WWF! Just as Keats wrote an ode to his Grecian Urn, thus shall I sing the song of greased up men engaged in feigned fisticuffs whilst wrapped tightly in spandex pants of dazzling colours and adorned with various trinkets like a live snake or boot tassels. God bless you Tatonka.)

But I digress.

Capitalization has been kicked in the shins by a single, lower-case, little dipshit -- the "i". Everything in the last 5 years has been presupposed by the impetuous, importuning, piquant, pebble-sized "i". No longer are great names like Spartacus, or titles such as The Illiad valid because no one will pay attention unless its iCeasar or iZeus. Titles aren't even bolstered by numbers anymore, such as 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, 2001: A Space Odyssey, or even 101 Dalmatians.

Geez... 101 Dalmatians sounds more imposing than an ipod nano frosted mini-wheats or whatever.

It used to be that putting something in Capitol Letters would infuse it with the power of Yahweh himself! NOW YOU CAN WRITE IN ALL CAPS AND NO ONE WILL CARE TO READ THEM EVEN AS THE WORDS SURGE INTO THE SKY ABOVE LIKE THE TOWER OF BABEL!

so just whip out your iBook and read Harry Potter and The Mystery of the Shrunken Cat...

i’s and e’s are the future of our language and there is absolutely no stopping any obtuse mind from pinning their statements with those kitschy trinkets.

Tom Brady

2008-09-09T14:25:00.000-04:00

Everyone,

I notice that we are constantly referring to Tom Brady (or THE PATRIOT MISSILE, as I prefer to call him) in such a mocking (and sometimes romantic) manner that we forget the utilitarian aspect of dropping his name around the office. I doubt any of us have any sincere feelings for Mr. Brady (or Old' Gimpy, as I will now call him) but we can certainly use our obtained knowledge of this athlete to boost our professional standing with fellow office workers, and especially the management.

Here are some examples:

Boss: Tony, will you please update this and do that and spend the next 3 hours performing skull-scrapingly-dull busy work for me?

Me: Sure thing Boss! I'd love to! Did you see the reports I've already prepared on the new project scheduled to begin next month?

Boss: Are you still talking to me? I think I left my BT on.

See? In this scenario I failed to mention Touch Down Brady Balls, and thus immediately lost the attention and respect of my Boss. Let's try that again...

Boss: Tony, will you please highlight and then unhighlight every name in my address book just to make sure that doing that doesn't actually do anything? Then can you spell check all the icon's on my desktop?

Tony: Anything you say sir! I'll get right to it... just after I'm done praying for Tom Brady's knee. Did you see the 1,000 paper cranes I made for him?

Boss: Promotion!

Bringing up professional sports teams such as The Red Sox, Patriots, or any of the great exploits of Scotty Pippin will instantly excite anyone within a 20ft radius of your cubicle, earning you the respect and adulation of your colleagues! Give it a try and see for yourself!

Song Lyrics

2008-03-18T10:32:00.002-04:00

Often times a complaint handed to me is, "Yo Toadie! What you singing? WHUT YOU SAYJIN?"

Of course, I respond with, "LUHV! HA SEE YOU! WHEN YOUR HEAUBS NUB DIBBEN DEE BOO"

So I thought it might be nice to post the lyrics for a new song that you've never heard:

Choodapapee

Verse
Choodapapee ba na na -- girl
That's what you said to me.
Choodapapee ba na na ne na
That's what you said to me.

Choodapapee ba na na -- girl
That's what you said to me.
Choodapapee ba na na ne na
That's what you said to me.

Chorus
Choodapapee ba na na -- girl
That's what you said to me.
You wake me up when the morning comes,
It's an emergenceeeeeey eeeeyaaa.

Verse
Look what you did pretty baby
without an evil eye.
Crushed it up
with a credit card.
Its just a long goodbye.
Its just a long goodbye!

Chorus
Choodapapee ba na na -- girl
What does it mean to me?
Your crushed it up with a credit card
It's an emergenceeeeeey eeeeyaaa.

Bridge
Hope will never end.
Here with my friends.
Stay until the end.
You had it all... my friends.

Verse
Choodapapee-ba-na-na -- girl
Thats all you gave to me.

these are the names i go by:

2007-12-16T12:26:00.000-05:00

tonzer

tanto

tin-tun

tuk-tuk

trott

tyior

tsanx

tenk ten

tip-tup

tuppie

tuppies

toopies

toupler

tektro

tung-ty

tragnt

trenty

list by BM

Ludite Literature

2007-12-06T09:14:00.000-05:00

The Story of Little Cinnamon Danny:

"2! 3! Popsicle race!"
"snap! crap! right in yo face!"
What a silly game did the children play on a tuft of moss that afternoon. Their mothers had pushed them outside and locked the doors forcing the youths out into sunlight, a natural light, which burned their skin. "Errugh! this hurts!" one wailed at his first whiff of the sand filled air. There may have been 5 or 7 of them,but the conglomeration moved about in such a way as to make difficult in remunerating just how many mayonnaise-cheeked cherubs rolled about the streets that morning. It was hot, very hot, but soon they absconded into shade where the tiny glow of their flicker screens filled the air like fireflies. Popsicle Race was just released in stores the previous week, each had their own copy.

And so the children played throughout the length of the day, spitting out huge chunks of meat they tore from dried chicken strips, taking handfuls of malted cheese pizza balls and flinging them into their tiny chapped mouths. They were tired and bored, continuously in a torpid state of dissatisfaction. They dreamed of fresh batteries and new games, bigger screens and flashier graphics. Someday they would be old enough to find these things on their own, but for the time being they were young and unemployed, had to bide their time in the umbra of the trees where warmth and light dared not go.

A river ran across the edge of the forest. Inside a small, white boat sat a boy with ruddy cheeks and a mess of cinnamon hair. He was the eponymous Little Cinnamon Danny from the cereal commercials. The jingle ran through his head and caused ripples in the water, "Cinnamon shoes! Cinnamon shoes! Eat! Eat! Eat! till' you sing the blues! Cinnamon free! Cinnamon... wee! All together we're the cinnamon kids! Hay!" It drove him insane and he thought perhaps, if he took a boat out, something in nature would cleanse his mind, his 12-year-old mind.

The tiny vessel struck land near a small beach. Danny jumped from his seat and stretched his legs. An arrow shot out of the forest and caught him in the throat. He bled to death and then the kids with video games came and ate him. Lord of the flies. The End.

boof babies fallin' from the sky!

2007-12-04T23:50:00.001-05:00

me: boof babies fallin' from the sky!

Gina: penis lickers lovin guys!

me: you, me, and a pizza pie!

Gina: So stomp 'dem feet, now don't be shy!

me: pick a plum and say "goodbye!"

Gina: Mommy, what happens when we die?

me: some go to hell, others in the sky

oh man i can feel that in my tingy tang when that little tougne slips in and out

Sent at 11:53 PM on Tuesday

Gina: ewwww

you are barfatrocious man

me: you are a beatific lady

Gina: aahahahaha

remember when you called me a ruffian and i cried?

me: hahah when was that?

and barfatrocious isn't a word

Gina: vomitrocious was what I meant

me: haha nice

Gina: hahaha

me: well i gave you a nice compliment

Gina: hmm. I am selling my old bed for $125!

tony. I think you are a unique and beautiful snowflake

me: thank yee

someday rudy is going to turn into a snowflake and fly away in the wind, and eddy is going to turn into a tennis ball and roll away into a playground

Gina: oh yes yes yes

me: and oma is going to turn into a ham and jump in the oven! and dad is going to turn into a dragon and breath fire down on a castle!

and i'm going to turn into a old wallet and someone is going to find me! and you are going to turn into a piece of yellow cake and a baby is going to eat you and make a mess!

um...

i can't think of one for mom

Sent at 12:00 AM on Wednesday

Gina: mom is going to turn into a computer. and sit in a closet.

me: NO GINA THAT IS DEPRESSING

Gina: hahahaha. i kid.

can you hear me cackling?!?

me: (but funny)

haha yes

Gina: mom is going to turn into some free weights which will be used by Billy Blanks offspring's offspring.

hows that?

me: very nice

randy will turn into a soccer ball that gets kicked into a crowd of ravenous sports fans.

Gina: im glad i turn into cake.

me: yum!

i'm probably going to hanky jank to some cinemax tonight, so don't go out in the living room

Sent at 12:04 AM on Wednesday

Gina is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Gina comes online.

Hunkin' and a Chunkin'

2007-11-21T09:25:00.000-05:00

HAY!

Enough of This Decadence

2007-11-14T20:52:00.001-05:00

My father said as he took the last chocolate.

2007-10-31T09:51:00.001-04:00

Anthony Vecchi

Personal Statement

My career goal is quite simple, not to have a career. I am an artist, and thus must lead a life of destitution and free wheeling adventures across the world. I must meet strange women who have unusual desires, but enough money to support me while I compose music unfettered by obligation. My job is not to study, but to take acid and get on a euro-bus across southern Austria scribbling fiendish notes on the back of some foreign candy wrapper – my opus.

Of course, one’s mind and body could not possibly withstand such a life for greater than 5 or 10 years until it either unhinged itself from reality or dissolved. After I have thus rolled around in the dirt of worldly and creative experience, I will rise and dust off my jacket, sit down behind a lovely cedar desk, and begin to read – and then to teach. If my college experience has afforded me anything it is the realization that I despise the greater portion of academia. Fools like me are sucked under the current of commercialized professionalism, chasing the illusion through candy colored hills of deceit. Well… no more.

When I return to the classroom it will be with a wave of vigor gathering behind my back. I will crash down upon my work and shake the very tenons and mortises of that old log cabin I spent so much time sitting in. I will stand, I will stand with the experience of having lived my life and chased my dreams with scraped knees and callused fingers to prove it all. I shall never sit in a chair again unless old age takes away my faculty of upright composure. I promise myself this right now on this very page.

From my disdain of schoolwork and study will sprout a revolution. Even now I know the modes of pedagogy to which I will consume and birth anew. There is enough ennui to be had at a desk, let me kick it over and jump across to the other side. Fortunately I was given the chance to act as a teaching assistant and thus removed myself from the drudgery and simple challenges of coursework. As a teacher I had control and a medium to reverse any frustrations I had with the static nature of learning. For 3 semesters I gave a fresh spirit to the work, failed many times in doing so, but managed to succeed in galvanizing myself and students through the realization of passion. I discovered that by transmuting my abhorrence of the classroom into creative endeavors I could uncover mountains of golden satisfaction and enlightenment, not only for myself, but for the students alike. My track in learning may have been professional writing (which is truly a natural bent of mine) but along the way I took a sidecar over to teaching junction, and by golly if a gopher didn’t eat my sassafras roots last spring, I think I’m going to stay… but not yet.

At the age of 23 I must follow other pursuits and return later with physical and spiritual knowledge. I could never guide a young mind if I first did not follow my own (to use the parlance of the college) “track.” I’m going to make my own track for here on out, I can’t follow those rusty rails any longer. I’ll be back someday, returning to the old station with a fresh bucket of paint and a maul. I’ll tear it down and build something new, of my own design, and stand proud knowing I lived life according to the greatest power known to humanity – myself.

-Anthony Vecchi

free write on "doff"

2007-09-29T11:47:00.000-04:00

1-
"Doff!" he said when she kicked him in the ball sack.

2-
"Doff!" made the coach as Ginger thrust her Slassbury Slugger into his stomach.
"I don't need a man coach on this all-girls-baseball team no mo'!"
With the tobacco juice running out of his mouth onto the floor, the coach looked like a dropped pot of coffee.

3-
"Tuesdays are for taking walks, Wednesdays are for soaking my tea leaves, Thursday--"
*DOFF*
Nan was hit in the head by a stale loaf of Italian. Pep skipped away into the bedroom where it smelt of old toast wrapped in three layers of napkins. The couple maintained a healthy sex life at the age of 82 and 83 respectively. It was a good way to pass time while boiled eggs chilled in the 'fridgerator.

The glory of battle

2007-07-30T10:32:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I don't usually brag... but my boss just sent this e-mail to the whole gang:

Hello gang,

I just wanted to let you all know that Tony Vecchi took our support level to new heights over the weekend. In receiving 88 calls over the weekend, he attained the expressed benchmark of answering 90% of the calls with an average hold time of 52 seconds. This is the first time we have met that team goal.

Great job Tony!

Regards,

Big Boss

I feel good, except that I ate a handful of cottage cheese (I like to measure cottage cheese by the handful.)

My final words

2007-07-30T08:20:00.000-04:00

Well, here he is, only 15 minutes late! I really can't complain. It's been a crazy ride kids, and now the train finally chugs to a stop. Choo chooooooooooooooooo

My favorite caller this weekend has to be the old man who typed in "ipconfig gerry" into the DOS prompt. He misunderstood me when I told him "g as in 'gerry'" when spelling it out for him over the phone. Maybe I should have said "g as in 'geriatric' you dusty old cracker!"

My least favorite caller was the lady from Nantucket who called me 4 or 5 times not being able to stay connected on her fucking yacht. YOUR ON A BOAT YOU DUMB BITCH WHAT THE FUCK? She kept talking about her lawyer's and attorney's offices where the connectivity was fine. Well I don't think the expensive carpeting and cedar desks are going to cause much interference but what about a 10-ton piece of floating metal?!?!? Man, what a cock. Ask Gina and Kev, they heard the whole thing.

Well... thats it folks, thanks to those of you who stuck with me through this whole ordeal. Now to continue on in other adventures outside of computers, where the sun shines and guitar strings glow in the moonlight! Where pepper's fry in a sweet ecstasy of flavorful enchantment on a golden wok in heaven's kitchen. Where a dove swoops down and kisses you on the cheek, the cheek of a baby daffodil in the morning light and where cherry blossoms bloom and... and...

Tech-support hell

2007-07-30T08:09:00.000-04:00

I was fortunate enough to fall asleep around 2 and then not get a call until 7:30 this morning. Unfortunately after that things have been going down hill. First I get a call from a grade-a dickswab of a customer who argued with me. Without getting too technical i'll explain that he wanted me to reset a piece of equipment but I stated I would not do so until he worked with me first. Reasonable enough, and I got to use my favorite line, "You called ME for support sir, so you are going to have to listen to what I say." The conflict ended with him spouting, "I guess we're in a stalemate!" and then hanging up. I proceeded to scratch my balls.

So yea, now it's 8:10 and my boss is no where in sight. He said he'd come relieve me of my duties at 8AM, but here I am still taking calls. I'm pretty upset, I wanted to get off the phones and go back to bed, wake up 2 hours later, then eat some bruckfrest and start my day!

Well... ah well... I'll never break my shackles from the man. Oh masta!

Whoopie pie

2007-07-29T21:40:00.001-04:00

I ate my celebratory whoopie pie tonight. Man it was a taste sensation all inside my mouth, but stinky ol' grampy decided to call me in the middle of it and poop about his network connections. Ah well, I suppose that's just a overall metaphor for life. Whenever you're eating desert, grampy is just gonna call and fuck it all up. Thanks gramp-o!

My marathon is almost complete. It actually hasn't been bad at all, but I bet tomorrow morning around 6 I'll start getting calls up the wazzer and it'll sting like a cranberry bitch! But it's okay, afterward I only have to start packing up all my belongings and move 20 minutes away to Leominster.

I realize tonight is perhaps my last night in Cedar St. but more on that later... I don't feel like getting all gushy and mawkish right now.

Oop! Here's another call! Tech support this is Tony!

Frazzle dazzle

2007-07-29T11:05:00.000-04:00

Well it's 11:00am and I made it through the night just fine. I got that 1:30 call which was surreal. I don't even remember who it was or what we talked about. I barely recall making a post about it either. I do remember that I wrote a protracted musing about the subject but then deleted it right away and just put up that one sentence.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I still have my morning headache, but it'll be alright. I'm trying to fix Andy's computer right now, but with no luck. Next I'll start cleaning some more and try to take a shower, even if I have to miss a call. I need that damn shower.

A little kid just called me and his user name was SHOGUN07.

Good morning sunshine... wait... what?

2007-07-29T01:43:00.000-04:00

Oh fuck, I just got a call at 1:30.

Get out of my head you damn kids!

2007-07-28T18:13:00.000-04:00

6:15

Gina and Kev are here. Gina is drawing and Kev is attempting to install WoW on my computer so he can play it while I tech-support. I've been working on and off for the past few hours and its hard to believe I'm not even 1/2 way done. The calls haven't been too bad, and it's definitely nice to have some company to listen in on the crazy people who calls me. I spoke with 2 Indian people who I didn't understand AT ALL. I just said, "Thank you" and they said, "Thank you!" and then I hung up. Ben stopped by and took some pictures:

Like eating your dog's soggy biscuit

2007-07-28T14:37:00.000-04:00

Well for lunch I had a ham sandwich and two corn on the cobs which tasted like shit for some reason. I researched on google exactly how long to boil them for, and it said 2 - 3 minutes for good, fresh corn. I assumed mine was, and treated it thusly, but alas it was disgusting and I should have boiled the shit out of that hobo corn. Anyway, now I'm waiting for Ben and Gina and Kevin to come over. The call volume has dropped off, but I can't stop feeling "the chill" as we call it in tech-support. Its that feeling of impending doom, were any moment something could go wrong...

Speeding too fast down the carpal tunnel

2007-07-28T11:19:00.000-04:00

Lets see... 11:20 and I've had about 6 calls so far. Nothing too serious, except for these 2 old people who wanted me to tech-support both of their laptops at the same time. I took an irascible tone with them, using the force and depth of my sonorous vocals to sit them back down in their rockers. Of course I feel horrible now, hearing the sound of the old fellow's subjugated, meek voice asking, "where did you want me to click?" Anyway, I can't solve their issue right now. I told them to try the lobby and they argued with me saying the signal was fine in their room. Amazing how people call tech-support and then venture to argue against my knowledge. Fuck 'em. Today I must:

Do the dishes
Clean my room
Play guitar

Probably in that order. Probably starting... NOW!

The RX diaries

2007-07-28T08:09:00.001-04:00

I start off today with a headache. I fucking love these days, the ones where I wake up in nauseating pain. I get these matutinal* "neck aches" and it feels like the chicken bones and cartilage in my neck are all misaligned and no matter how much I stretch and massage, it doesn't go away. I have some Excedrin I can take, but I also have to take Claritin-D and I'm pretty sure the caffeine and psuedophederin will make me shit-crazy. Then I'll have to take a Prylosec to calm my tommmy down. Fuck.

No calls yet, 8:15. I'm going to get a bowl of raisin bran crunchers right now.

*matutinal - Relating to or occurring in the morning; early. (I just saw it in my word-a-day e-mail from dictionary.com and thought it fit well. I believe it greatly behooves one's mind to explore the English lexicon and be a bit intrepid here and there with word choice. *jerk* *jerk jerk jerk* *jerk myself off*)

Goodnight my prince

2007-07-28T02:02:00.000-04:00

It's 2:00am and time for bed. I spent my last hours on the outside watching Matt Jatkola playing at Hooligans. I have a strong distaste for that place. I want to play a show again soon. I'm hungry and excited to wake up and eat breakfast but not excited for what trouble there is to come. Basically I'll wake up and my phone will start ringing right off the bat. Hopefully since its the weekend things won't be so bad, or they could be even worse. You never know what kind of fat-fuck likes to stay inside and click on their network connections over the weekend. God damnit... I have to miss Rachel's show and going to the drive-ins... BOOFAS!

Okay world, this is it, I now lay myself down to sleep and will awake at 7:40 to take a shower before the phone starts ringing. Stay tuned for updates.

I can sing low notes under your high notes

2007-07-27T23:45:00.001-04:00

So yea, Jeff is sitting behind me recording his guitar solo over the drum trax we spent 2 hours recording. The Claritin really hurt my tommmy, and I had to eat a turkey sub to make it go away. Here is the list of groceries I bought for my marathon:

1 bag of red seedless grapes
3 apples
2 tomatoes
1 iceberg lettuce
1 cuke
1 package of naan
1 container of honey ham (i fucking HATE HAM, but it was the only choice since there was a hot babe at the deli and I didn't want her to see me ordering a 1/2 pound of turkey)
1 loaf of whole wheat bread
1 container of cottage cheese
1 container of pineapple cottage cheese
1 jug of arizona green tea
1 whoopie pie (oops!)

We'll see how long that lasts me along with the box of Raisin Bran Crunch I have.

I have to wake up at 8am and start tech supporting! My goals for the weekend are modest. I plan to organize my shit and get it primed for boxin' and bagin' for my move to Leominster next week. Any one want to buy my computer and all my games? I really don't want to move those, they need to go away to someone else. I also hope to finish some recordings and play some videojuegos with mah pals. And also fix Andy and Alex's computer. Then we can all have those mix CDs we've been waiting for since Christmas!

The night before...

2007-07-27T12:19:00.000-04:00

It is now 12:20 and I am jacked on Claritin D. I have dry mouth and a fire in my throat and oopa oopa! I'm sitting up in Manchester, NH doing jack shit like I could be doing in my room. At least there is a fan blowing on me. I'm here because my software phone wasn't working at home, but for some reason it works an hour away in NH. My boss said it would be good that I come to the office for "multiple reasons" so far being: meeting new nerds, shaking sweaty nerd hands, poking nerds in the belly and watching all the candy fall to the floor! Yipee!

I will be doing a 48-Hour tech support marathon this weekend, starting at 8am Saturday and ending 8am Monday. I will b e updating this live from my humid and soggy bedroom located in Fitchburg, MA. I have no idea what it is going to be like, but taking calls for 2 days straight will prove for an interesting introspection into the fortitude of my mind. Tally ho!

I have to go grocery shopping today and pickup supplies, which I will list in calorie crunching detail once I make it to the store. Lets hope my Claritin doesn't give me moods swings and I end up buying a chocolate fuck cake!

It happens.