these are the names i go by:

tonzer

tanto

tin-tun

tuk-tuk

trott

tyior

tsanx

tenk ten

tip-tup

tuppie

tuppies

toopies

toupler

tektro

tung-ty

tragnt

trenty

list by BM

Ludite Literature

The Story of Little Cinnamon Danny:

"2! 3! Popsicle race!"
"snap! crap! right in yo face!"
What a silly game did the children play on a tuft of moss that afternoon. Their mothers had pushed them outside and locked the doors forcing the youths out into sunlight, a natural light, which burned their skin. "Errugh! this hurts!" one wailed at his first whiff of the sand filled air. There may have been 5 or 7 of them,but the conglomeration moved about in such a way as to make difficult in remunerating just how many mayonnaise-cheeked cherubs rolled about the streets that morning. It was hot, very hot, but soon they absconded into shade where the tiny glow of their flicker screens filled the air like fireflies. Popsicle Race was just released in stores the previous week, each had their own copy.

And so the children played throughout the length of the day, spitting out huge chunks of meat they tore from dried chicken strips, taking handfuls of malted cheese pizza balls and flinging them into their tiny chapped mouths. They were tired and bored, continuously in a torpid state of dissatisfaction. They dreamed of fresh batteries and new games, bigger screens and flashier graphics. Someday they would be old enough to find these things on their own, but for the time being they were young and unemployed, had to bide their time in the umbra of the trees where warmth and light dared not go.

A river ran across the edge of the forest. Inside a small, white boat sat a boy with ruddy cheeks and a mess of cinnamon hair. He was the eponymous Little Cinnamon Danny from the cereal commercials. The jingle ran through his head and caused ripples in the water, "Cinnamon shoes! Cinnamon shoes! Eat! Eat! Eat! till' you sing the blues! Cinnamon free! Cinnamon... wee! All together we're the cinnamon kids! Hay!" It drove him insane and he thought perhaps, if he took a boat out, something in nature would cleanse his mind, his 12-year-old mind.

The tiny vessel struck land near a small beach. Danny jumped from his seat and stretched his legs. An arrow shot out of the forest and caught him in the throat. He bled to death and then the kids with video games came and ate him. Lord of the flies. The End.

boof babies fallin' from the sky!

me: boof babies fallin' from the sky!

Gina: penis lickers lovin guys!

me: you, me, and a pizza pie!

Gina: So stomp 'dem feet, now don't be shy!

me: pick a plum and say "goodbye!"

Gina: Mommy, what happens when we die?

me: some go to hell, others in the sky

oh man i can feel that in my tingy tang when that little tougne slips in and out

Sent at 11:53 PM on Tuesday

Gina: ewwww

you are barfatrocious man

me: you are a beatific lady

Gina: aahahahaha

remember when you called me a ruffian and i cried?

me: hahah when was that?

and barfatrocious isn't a word

Gina: vomitrocious was what I meant

me: haha nice

Gina: hahaha

me: well i gave you a nice compliment

Gina: hmm. I am selling my old bed for $125!

tony. I think you are a unique and beautiful snowflake

me: thank yee

someday rudy is going to turn into a snowflake and fly away in the wind, and eddy is going to turn into a tennis ball and roll away into a playground

Gina: oh yes yes yes

me: and oma is going to turn into a ham and jump in the oven! and dad is going to turn into a dragon and breath fire down on a castle!

and i'm going to turn into a old wallet and someone is going to find me! and you are going to turn into a piece of yellow cake and a baby is going to eat you and make a mess!

um...

i can't think of one for mom

Sent at 12:00 AM on Wednesday

Gina: mom is going to turn into a computer. and sit in a closet.

me: NO GINA THAT IS DEPRESSING

Gina: hahahaha. i kid.

can you hear me cackling?!?

me: (but funny)

haha yes

Gina: mom is going to turn into some free weights which will be used by Billy Blanks offspring's offspring.

hows that?

me: very nice

randy will turn into a soccer ball that gets kicked into a crowd of ravenous sports fans.

Gina: im glad i turn into cake.

me: yum!

i'm probably going to hanky jank to some cinemax tonight, so don't go out in the living room

Sent at 12:04 AM on Wednesday

Gina is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Gina comes online.

Hunkin' and a Chunkin'

HAY!

Enough of This Decadence

My father said as he took the last chocolate.

Anthony Vecchi

Personal Statement

My career goal is quite simple, not to have a career. I am an artist, and thus must lead a life of destitution and free wheeling adventures across the world. I must meet strange women who have unusual desires, but enough money to support me while I compose music unfettered by obligation. My job is not to study, but to take acid and get on a euro-bus across southern Austria scribbling fiendish notes on the back of some foreign candy wrapper – my opus.

Of course, one’s mind and body could not possibly withstand such a life for greater than 5 or 10 years until it either unhinged itself from reality or dissolved. After I have thus rolled around in the dirt of worldly and creative experience, I will rise and dust off my jacket, sit down behind a lovely cedar desk, and begin to read – and then to teach. If my college experience has afforded me anything it is the realization that I despise the greater portion of academia. Fools like me are sucked under the current of commercialized professionalism, chasing the illusion through candy colored hills of deceit. Well… no more.

When I return to the classroom it will be with a wave of vigor gathering behind my back. I will crash down upon my work and shake the very tenons and mortises of that old log cabin I spent so much time sitting in. I will stand, I will stand with the experience of having lived my life and chased my dreams with scraped knees and callused fingers to prove it all. I shall never sit in a chair again unless old age takes away my faculty of upright composure. I promise myself this right now on this very page.

From my disdain of schoolwork and study will sprout a revolution. Even now I know the modes of pedagogy to which I will consume and birth anew. There is enough ennui to be had at a desk, let me kick it over and jump across to the other side. Fortunately I was given the chance to act as a teaching assistant and thus removed myself from the drudgery and simple challenges of coursework. As a teacher I had control and a medium to reverse any frustrations I had with the static nature of learning. For 3 semesters I gave a fresh spirit to the work, failed many times in doing so, but managed to succeed in galvanizing myself and students through the realization of passion. I discovered that by transmuting my abhorrence of the classroom into creative endeavors I could uncover mountains of golden satisfaction and enlightenment, not only for myself, but for the students alike. My track in learning may have been professional writing (which is truly a natural bent of mine) but along the way I took a sidecar over to teaching junction, and by golly if a gopher didn’t eat my sassafras roots last spring, I think I’m going to stay… but not yet.

At the age of 23 I must follow other pursuits and return later with physical and spiritual knowledge. I could never guide a young mind if I first did not follow my own (to use the parlance of the college) “track.” I’m going to make my own track for here on out, I can’t follow those rusty rails any longer. I’ll be back someday, returning to the old station with a fresh bucket of paint and a maul. I’ll tear it down and build something new, of my own design, and stand proud knowing I lived life according to the greatest power known to humanity – myself.

-Anthony Vecchi

free write on "doff"

1-
"Doff!" he said when she kicked him in the ball sack.

2-
"Doff!" made the coach as Ginger thrust her Slassbury Slugger into his stomach.
"I don't need a man coach on this all-girls-baseball team no mo'!"
With the tobacco juice running out of his mouth onto the floor, the coach looked like a dropped pot of coffee.

3-
"Tuesdays are for taking walks, Wednesdays are for soaking my tea leaves, Thursday--"
*DOFF*
Nan was hit in the head by a stale loaf of Italian. Pep skipped away into the bedroom where it smelt of old toast wrapped in three layers of napkins. The couple maintained a healthy sex life at the age of 82 and 83 respectively. It was a good way to pass time while boiled eggs chilled in the 'fridgerator.

The glory of battle

Okay, so I don't usually brag... but my boss just sent this e-mail to the whole gang:

Hello gang,

I just wanted to let you all know that Tony Vecchi took our support level to new heights over the weekend. In receiving 88 calls over the weekend, he attained the expressed benchmark of answering 90% of the calls with an average hold time of 52 seconds. This is the first time we have met that team goal.

Great job Tony!

Regards,

Big Boss

I feel good, except that I ate a handful of cottage cheese (I like to measure cottage cheese by the handful.)

My final words

Well, here he is, only 15 minutes late! I really can't complain. It's been a crazy ride kids, and now the train finally chugs to a stop. Choo chooooooooooooooooo

My favorite caller this weekend has to be the old man who typed in "ipconfig gerry" into the DOS prompt. He misunderstood me when I told him "g as in 'gerry'" when spelling it out for him over the phone. Maybe I should have said "g as in 'geriatric' you dusty old cracker!"

My least favorite caller was the lady from Nantucket who called me 4 or 5 times not being able to stay connected on her fucking yacht. YOUR ON A BOAT YOU DUMB BITCH WHAT THE FUCK? She kept talking about her lawyer's and attorney's offices where the connectivity was fine. Well I don't think the expensive carpeting and cedar desks are going to cause much interference but what about a 10-ton piece of floating metal?!?!? Man, what a cock. Ask Gina and Kev, they heard the whole thing.

Well... thats it folks, thanks to those of you who stuck with me through this whole ordeal. Now to continue on in other adventures outside of computers, where the sun shines and guitar strings glow in the moonlight! Where pepper's fry in a sweet ecstasy of flavorful enchantment on a golden wok in heaven's kitchen. Where a dove swoops down and kisses you on the cheek, the cheek of a baby daffodil in the morning light and where cherry blossoms bloom and... and...

Tech-support hell

I was fortunate enough to fall asleep around 2 and then not get a call until 7:30 this morning. Unfortunately after that things have been going down hill. First I get a call from a grade-a dickswab of a customer who argued with me. Without getting too technical i'll explain that he wanted me to reset a piece of equipment but I stated I would not do so until he worked with me first. Reasonable enough, and I got to use my favorite line, "You called ME for support sir, so you are going to have to listen to what I say." The conflict ended with him spouting, "I guess we're in a stalemate!" and then hanging up. I proceeded to scratch my balls.

So yea, now it's 8:10 and my boss is no where in sight. He said he'd come relieve me of my duties at 8AM, but here I am still taking calls. I'm pretty upset, I wanted to get off the phones and go back to bed, wake up 2 hours later, then eat some bruckfrest and start my day!

Well... ah well... I'll never break my shackles from the man. Oh masta!

Whoopie pie

I ate my celebratory whoopie pie tonight. Man it was a taste sensation all inside my mouth, but stinky ol' grampy decided to call me in the middle of it and poop about his network connections. Ah well, I suppose that's just a overall metaphor for life. Whenever you're eating desert, grampy is just gonna call and fuck it all up. Thanks gramp-o!

My marathon is almost complete. It actually hasn't been bad at all, but I bet tomorrow morning around 6 I'll start getting calls up the wazzer and it'll sting like a cranberry bitch! But it's okay, afterward I only have to start packing up all my belongings and move 20 minutes away to Leominster.

I realize tonight is perhaps my last night in Cedar St. but more on that later... I don't feel like getting all gushy and mawkish right now.

Oop! Here's another call! Tech support this is Tony!

Frazzle dazzle

Well it's 11:00am and I made it through the night just fine. I got that 1:30 call which was surreal. I don't even remember who it was or what we talked about. I barely recall making a post about it either. I do remember that I wrote a protracted musing about the subject but then deleted it right away and just put up that one sentence.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I still have my morning headache, but it'll be alright. I'm trying to fix Andy's computer right now, but with no luck. Next I'll start cleaning some more and try to take a shower, even if I have to miss a call. I need that damn shower.

A little kid just called me and his user name was SHOGUN07.

Good morning sunshine... wait... what?

Oh fuck, I just got a call at 1:30.

Get out of my head you damn kids!

6:15

Gina and Kev are here. Gina is drawing and Kev is attempting to install WoW on my computer so he can play it while I tech-support. I've been working on and off for the past few hours and its hard to believe I'm not even 1/2 way done. The calls haven't been too bad, and it's definitely nice to have some company to listen in on the crazy people who calls me. I spoke with 2 Indian people who I didn't understand AT ALL. I just said, "Thank you" and they said, "Thank you!" and then I hung up. Ben stopped by and took some pictures:

Like eating your dog's soggy biscuit

Well for lunch I had a ham sandwich and two corn on the cobs which tasted like shit for some reason. I researched on google exactly how long to boil them for, and it said 2 - 3 minutes for good, fresh corn. I assumed mine was, and treated it thusly, but alas it was disgusting and I should have boiled the shit out of that hobo corn. Anyway, now I'm waiting for Ben and Gina and Kevin to come over. The call volume has dropped off, but I can't stop feeling "the chill" as we call it in tech-support. Its that feeling of impending doom, were any moment something could go wrong...

Speeding too fast down the carpal tunnel

Lets see... 11:20 and I've had about 6 calls so far. Nothing too serious, except for these 2 old people who wanted me to tech-support both of their laptops at the same time. I took an irascible tone with them, using the force and depth of my sonorous vocals to sit them back down in their rockers. Of course I feel horrible now, hearing the sound of the old fellow's subjugated, meek voice asking, "where did you want me to click?" Anyway, I can't solve their issue right now. I told them to try the lobby and they argued with me saying the signal was fine in their room. Amazing how people call tech-support and then venture to argue against my knowledge. Fuck 'em. Today I must:

Do the dishes
Clean my room
Play guitar

Probably in that order. Probably starting... NOW!

The RX diaries

I start off today with a headache. I fucking love these days, the ones where I wake up in nauseating pain. I get these matutinal* "neck aches" and it feels like the chicken bones and cartilage in my neck are all misaligned and no matter how much I stretch and massage, it doesn't go away. I have some Excedrin I can take, but I also have to take Claritin-D and I'm pretty sure the caffeine and psuedophederin will make me shit-crazy. Then I'll have to take a Prylosec to calm my tommmy down. Fuck.

No calls yet, 8:15. I'm going to get a bowl of raisin bran crunchers right now.

*matutinal - Relating to or occurring in the morning; early. (I just saw it in my word-a-day e-mail from dictionary.com and thought it fit well. I believe it greatly behooves one's mind to explore the English lexicon and be a bit intrepid here and there with word choice. *jerk* *jerk jerk jerk* *jerk myself off*)

Goodnight my prince

It's 2:00am and time for bed. I spent my last hours on the outside watching Matt Jatkola playing at Hooligans. I have a strong distaste for that place. I want to play a show again soon. I'm hungry and excited to wake up and eat breakfast but not excited for what trouble there is to come. Basically I'll wake up and my phone will start ringing right off the bat. Hopefully since its the weekend things won't be so bad, or they could be even worse. You never know what kind of fat-fuck likes to stay inside and click on their network connections over the weekend. God damnit... I have to miss Rachel's show and going to the drive-ins... BOOFAS!

Okay world, this is it, I now lay myself down to sleep and will awake at 7:40 to take a shower before the phone starts ringing. Stay tuned for updates.

I can sing low notes under your high notes

So yea, Jeff is sitting behind me recording his guitar solo over the drum trax we spent 2 hours recording. The Claritin really hurt my tommmy, and I had to eat a turkey sub to make it go away. Here is the list of groceries I bought for my marathon:

1 bag of red seedless grapes
3 apples
2 tomatoes
1 iceberg lettuce
1 cuke
1 package of naan
1 container of honey ham (i fucking HATE HAM, but it was the only choice since there was a hot babe at the deli and I didn't want her to see me ordering a 1/2 pound of turkey)
1 loaf of whole wheat bread
1 container of cottage cheese
1 container of pineapple cottage cheese
1 jug of arizona green tea
1 whoopie pie (oops!)

We'll see how long that lasts me along with the box of Raisin Bran Crunch I have.

I have to wake up at 8am and start tech supporting! My goals for the weekend are modest. I plan to organize my shit and get it primed for boxin' and bagin' for my move to Leominster next week. Any one want to buy my computer and all my games? I really don't want to move those, they need to go away to someone else. I also hope to finish some recordings and play some videojuegos with mah pals. And also fix Andy and Alex's computer. Then we can all have those mix CDs we've been waiting for since Christmas!

The night before...

It is now 12:20 and I am jacked on Claritin D. I have dry mouth and a fire in my throat and oopa oopa! I'm sitting up in Manchester, NH doing jack shit like I could be doing in my room. At least there is a fan blowing on me. I'm here because my software phone wasn't working at home, but for some reason it works an hour away in NH. My boss said it would be good that I come to the office for "multiple reasons" so far being: meeting new nerds, shaking sweaty nerd hands, poking nerds in the belly and watching all the candy fall to the floor! Yipee!

I will be doing a 48-Hour tech support marathon this weekend, starting at 8am Saturday and ending 8am Monday. I will b e updating this live from my humid and soggy bedroom located in Fitchburg, MA. I have no idea what it is going to be like, but taking calls for 2 days straight will prove for an interesting introspection into the fortitude of my mind. Tally ho!

I have to go grocery shopping today and pickup supplies, which I will list in calorie crunching detail once I make it to the store. Lets hope my Claritin doesn't give me moods swings and I end up buying a chocolate fuck cake!

It happens.