iCapitalization

Capitalization has been smacked around like Brett Hart being pounded in the head with a folding chair by The Undertaker. (Note: And no! I will not excuse myself for referencing the golden age of WWF! Just as Keats wrote an ode to his Grecian Urn, thus shall I sing the song of greased up men engaged in feigned fisticuffs whilst wrapped tightly in spandex pants of dazzling colours and adorned with various trinkets like a live snake or boot tassels. God bless you Tatonka.)

But I digress.

Capitalization has been kicked in the shins by a single, lower-case, little dipshit -- the "i". Everything in the last 5 years has been presupposed by the impetuous, importuning, piquant, pebble-sized "i". No longer are great names like Spartacus, or titles such as The Illiad valid because no one will pay attention unless its iCeasar or iZeus. Titles aren't even bolstered by numbers anymore, such as 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, 2001: A Space Odyssey, or even 101 Dalmatians.

Geez... 101 Dalmatians sounds more imposing than an ipod nano frosted mini-wheats or whatever.

It used to be that putting something in Capitol Letters would infuse it with the power of Yahweh himself! NOW YOU CAN WRITE IN ALL CAPS AND NO ONE WILL CARE TO READ THEM EVEN AS THE WORDS SURGE INTO THE SKY ABOVE LIKE THE TOWER OF BABEL!

so just whip out your iBook and read Harry Potter and The Mystery of the Shrunken Cat...

i’s and e’s are the future of our language and there is absolutely no stopping any obtuse mind from pinning their statements with those kitschy trinkets.

Tom Brady

Everyone,

I notice that we are constantly referring to Tom Brady (or THE PATRIOT MISSILE, as I prefer to call him) in such a mocking (and sometimes romantic) manner that we forget the utilitarian aspect of dropping his name around the office. I doubt any of us have any sincere feelings for Mr. Brady (or Old' Gimpy, as I will now call him) but we can certainly use our obtained knowledge of this athlete to boost our professional standing with fellow office workers, and especially the management.

Here are some examples:

Boss: Tony, will you please update this and do that and spend the next 3 hours performing skull-scrapingly-dull busy work for me?

Me: Sure thing Boss! I'd love to! Did you see the reports I've already prepared on the new project scheduled to begin next month?

Boss: Are you still talking to me? I think I left my BT on.

See? In this scenario I failed to mention Touch Down Brady Balls, and thus immediately lost the attention and respect of my Boss. Let's try that again...

Boss: Tony, will you please highlight and then unhighlight every name in my address book just to make sure that doing that doesn't actually do anything? Then can you spell check all the icon's on my desktop?

Tony: Anything you say sir! I'll get right to it... just after I'm done praying for Tom Brady's knee. Did you see the 1,000 paper cranes I made for him?

Boss: Promotion!

Bringing up professional sports teams such as The Red Sox, Patriots, or any of the great exploits of Scotty Pippin will instantly excite anyone within a 20ft radius of your cubicle, earning you the respect and adulation of your colleagues! Give it a try and see for yourself!