Imagine If All The Water Disapeared

Bottled water that is.

During the Boil Order last week in Boston we saw a rampage for bottled water which left every CVS, Wholefoods, Target, and HESS gas station completely bereft of H20. I just so happened to be watching The Notebook that day and I swear to god my neighbor siphoned off my tears with a straw! The aqua-fervor became so outrageous there were stories of people buying water out of other people's shopping carts before they even reached the register only to have to buy it again! It wasn't like the water in our faucets was toxic, it wasn't as if when you turned on the cold tap a green mucus sludge belched forth into a frothing mass that ate through the floor. The water just had to be boiled. That's it! Just boiled. In my experiment it took about a half hour to boil 6 gallons of water, which is enough drinking water for 6 people a day. Then why the terror? Why did the Boil Order bubble over into a nightmare?

Because we're lazy.

Imagine this. During the Boil Order you actually boiled some water, filled a bottle, and let it sit overnight in the fridge to cool. What does it make? You guessed it, bottled water! Well put a feather in my cap Rob Hood because I just done make me a cup o' water.

So, what would have happened if we didn't have mountains of bottled water at our disposal? What if we lived in Concord when the water went bad?

Concord, MA Bans Bottled Water Sales: Environmentalists Confused With Encountering Common Sense and Eco-Empathy

In modern day Concord you can't buy bottled water! I imagine people's initial reaction upon hearing this is something akin to, "NOOOOOOO! I need my FIIJIIIIII WATER! I BABA DUBBA WAWA!"

Well my babies, too bad. Because of our collective laziness and irresponsibility we aren't allowed to have bottled water anymore. We're choking the environment with a plastic grip, we're polluting the oceans with discarded pull tabs and suckle tips. We've proved to this planet that we, as a human race, cannot handle the simple responsibility of reusing or recycling water bottles. What do you think? When you toss that Poland Springs out the window it lands on a bed of moss and is embraced back into the earth with the gentle arms of Mother Nature? NO! It just sits there. Then a baby raccoon finds it and somehow gets its head stuck inside. Soon little Ricky suffocates and dies and lies there to rot in the hot August sun. And it's your fault.

Don't blame the government or local town officials. They're just trying to lead you back upon the righteous path. Like I said before, we can't control ourselves. We are lazy and irresponsible and it's the government's job (sometimes) to guide and lead us in the most propitious direction.

So what if all the bottled water disappeared? What would we do? Gee... I don't know. What did people do 100 years ago when they were thirsty?

Think about it.

I imagine a Utopian paradise were every person each has their very own special water container that they keep for life. They'll be called, "Glug Sacks" and will be passed down from generation to generation. Different cultures will decorate their Glug Sacks with amazing colors and designs and form a strong communal bond. Across the world fountains of water will be available to all, each with an engraving that reads, "Water is the life mother. May it be free to all who desire."

Let's make it happen folks.

Can I have a sip from your Glug Sack?

Facebook Privacy Debate

I believe the saying is something akin to, "treat everything you do on the internet as if it were going to be the headline on tomorrow's newspaper." We as a generation (and perhaps a society) have no education on proper e-etiquette. Facebook is a wonderful tool if you use it properly, i.e. filter out friends you don't want, don't profess your innermost thoughts and emotions for the world to see in a status update, don't post pics of yourself naked guzzling pistachio pudding out of a plastic lawn ornament in the shape of a pig. It's about sensibility and responsibility.

I can't blame Facebook for wanting to cash in on people's info. I mean, they're not a philanthropist organization. How is Facebook going to profit if they can't collect and sell statistics on how many people have "Hebrew National Hotdogs" and "Justin Bieber" listed in their interests? And then, how will Bieber Dogs ever hit the market if companies don't know what people are interested in!? See? It's all for a good cause! Bieber Dogs in yo mouth!

My Review of MGMT's New Album "Shitabrontosaurusrex"

Since the internet already leaked their album, MGMT decided to say to the world, "You can't fire us, we already quit!"

Such guile! They preemptively posted their entire album before it hit the streets to get a one-up on their fans? Uh... let's hear what they have to say about this idea:

"We wanted to offer it as a free download but that didn't make sense to anyone but us"

Well yes! Of course it didn't make sense to anyone else BUT YOU (you rebels, you) because now your record label can't trick people into paying $10 to get sprayed in the face with a torrent of shit. They'll see it coming and run away before the first drop hits their cheek.

Anyway, take a listen!

http://www.whoismgmt.com/

OH HOW COOL A SONG ABOUT BRIAN ENO! I KNOW HIM!

Albums to listen to instead of the new MGMT album:

- Every album by the Kinks
- Having a Rave Up with The Yard Birds
- The Man Who Sold The World & Hunky Dory
- A recoding of a man inside an echo chamber who is vomiting pickles into a metal bucket

All of these are better than, or the original versions of, any of the musical ideas put forth in that album.

Green Line D to Riverside: Sink Hole to Hell

This is what I have had to deal with EVERY morning on my commute this week. The train stops directly in front of the sink hole, everyone gets out, and then we cross this janky ol' half-assed rope bridge they built over the water. It's hard because people are in a rush so they scramble across the ropes and shake the whole damn thing around causing people to drop their coffees and briefcases. Yesterday this old woman fell right in the water and just sank straight down to the bottom, nothing but bubbles coming up afterward. One of the MBTA guys threw his cigarette butt in the hole and said, "shoulda taken the bus lady."

Full Story:
http://www.universalhub.com/2010/sinkhole-ate-green-line

Mandolin

My mandolin is dead forever. How will I sing my sorrow? Only the somber chirp of a such an instrument could express my bereft heart, but without it, how can I? What kinda of infinite vortex of despondency have I found myself in?

GO MEAT!!!

Watch:

This is easily on of the most disturbing and hellish commercials I have ever seen. There are a total of 6 of these made for the super bowl. The slogan can be seen in other commercials as well, including one with a group of children sitting around a table making bologna masks by taking bites out of the folded slices. They don their creations, grab fist fulls of sausage, run outside, kick a dog and then jump into the air screaming "GO MEAT!" The End.

The most horrifying aspect of this? How attractive all of these commercials are. How catchy, memorable, delightful and funny they are so the images stick in your head like cheese to a greasy beef patty slapped upon the grille. They are SO good that people, actually entire families -- mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters -- have been reproducing these commercials on YouTube. For Fun!

This one has some nice Christian undertones to it:

3 teenage girls all dressed in white sitting on a golf course singing a song about meat? God bless us all!

Anyway, all I have to say is...

GO MEAT!

GO MEAT!!

GO MEAT!!!

GO MEAT!!!!