Trip Report: Iced Gingerbread Clif Bar

Dosage: 1 Bar | 64 grams | Eaten over 5 minutes

I have to admit that even before I started writing this report I have eaten about half the bar already. So the results may be a little skewed.

Come and join me on a flavor-expedition!

+0:00:00 Being a hypochondriac, I have to ensure that my Clif Bar is opened in a way that creates a little "Clif Cradle." This allows me to place breakfast down on my workspace without having it touch the highly lysol'ed surface which is no doubt seething with germs left by the cleaners.

+0:00:15 This "health" bar has a frosting droozled* all over it! Yunk!

+0:00:30 Every Clif Bar has a foundation flavor that seats any of the various hues of taste such as the much abhorred "Chocolate Mint" to the mellifluous "Toffee Nut Crunch." With the first bite I experience an underwhelming taste of gingerbread and more of the standard oatey, sugary Clif Bar base.

+0:00:36 After chewing a bit more the taste of gingerbread seeps in and covers my tongue with a warming glow of familiarity. Despite the frosting, this Clif Bar has a mild taste to it.

+0:01:30 I feel a little sick now. Should anyone be tasting gingerbread this early in the morning? I don't think so. Not unless they're waking up at 4am on Christmas Eve to snap off a piece of gingerbread house.

+0:02:21 Well... that was a tepid affair. It was basically your standard Clif experience. I am satisfied.

+0:03:07 My thigh itches.

+0:05:44 I am hungry again.

*1 Droozle = A variant of "drizzle" except used in instances of extreme sloppiness and over abundance. E.g. "Damn! Why do they always droozle so much cream cheese on my bagel bites! I almost yunked* in the toilet!"

*2 Yunk = Vomit, except while crying. E.g. "I yunked when that skunk sprayed my little sister and then she gave me a hug."

I perfectly understand the pun of "Heel The Love" yet taken outside its canine context, the phrase seems a bit awkward. The verb "heel" has manifold usage but commonly means to follow or chase closely, or to have under subjugation. It can also mean to put the heels on something, as in a shoe, or even to arm a fighting cock with spurs! I do not think the movie's producers were aware of the astounding depth of the word "heel" when pinning it to their film about a Christmas pup that pisses in Ownen Wilson's hamper or whatever.

Now, whenever I see the tag line "Heel The Love" I will think it means either of 4 things:

1. "Chase after love like a silly puppy with a ribbon tied around your neck!"
2. "Control the love! It's an unruly bitch who needs to be properly beaten every night and left outside! DOWN GIRL! DOWN! HEEL!"
3. "Love is getting a little worn out and needs new heels. Are you a cobbler?"
4. "You want me to attach this metal spur to the tip of my "love" and then fight another similarly clad man in a pit while lecherous old men bet on our lives? On Christmas day? Wait... with my Papa!?"

I believe the movie industry needs to have an English Major check all of their movie posters, trailers, and other promotional media for connotation errata. Otherwise, we might just have a little cockfighting problem.