Things you do after taking a hard shot of liquor

• Speak in fake Japanese
• Say "Hello Ma'am" and make a little barf burp
• Play the drums real quick

Snapchat activates the forward-facing camera on your phone when you access the login screen without telling you

See those teeth? That's me. Let's enhance a bit with Photoshop just for clarification.

Snapchat turns on the forward-facing camera on your phone when you access the login screen but it's barely noticeable. I was in a low light situation so it became more apparent but if you were say at your desk, outside, or not sitting in your room with a blanket stapled over the window, then you would never notice it.

This is how bad my farts smell at work...

I've been eating a lot of broccoli and beans lately for lunch with my salads. It basically generates enough gas inside my bowels to fill an industrial sized propane tank. In the afternoon I freely toot it out in steady intervals, never considering that fact that it could effect the people that sit 20ft away from me.

Brown, Sally [2:24 PM]:
Hi Tony

Vecchi, Tony [2:24 PM]:
hello

Brown, Sally [2:24 PM]:
Quick question for ya
Brown, Sally [2:25 PM]:
have you been smelling anything lately in the afternoon?
Brown, Sally [2:25 PM]:
almost like eggs or something

Vecchi, Tony [2:25 PM]:
yea its kinda weird...
Vecchi, Tony [2:25 PM]:
i have no idea what it is
Vecchi, Tony [2:25 PM]:
maybe a pipe broke or something? hahah

Brown, Sally [2:25 PM]:
I know do you smell it now?
Brown, Sally [2:26 PM]:
I might have security come try to smell it haha

Vecchi, Tony [2:26 PM]:
hahahaha

Brown, Sally [2:26 PM]:
I smell it

Vecchi, Tony [2:26 PM]:
yea its kinda strange, i smell it to. i think other people have said they smell it

Brown, Sally [2:26 PM]:
but I want to wait until its really strong so they dont think Im crazy

Vecchi, Tony [2:26 PM]:
hahhaha
Vecchi, Tony [2:26 PM]:
yea its kind of an... interesting situation
Vecchi, Tony [2:27 PM]:
well if you call them, i'll say something too

Brown, Sally [2:27 PM]:
its like at the printer area I think dont you?

Vecchi, Tony [2:28 PM]:
as much as i can smell in a certain direction, yes that seems to be where its eminating from
Vecchi, Tony [2:28 PM]:
i wonder if like an animal built a nest in the ceiling or something crazy like that

Brown, Sally [2:29 PM]:
I know it really gross smelling and its only in the afternoon
Brown, Sally [2:29 PM]:
I message John O'Brien and told him to come cause it smells but he is away from his computer haha

Vecchi, Tony [2:30 PM]:
hahahah oh man
Vecchi, Tony [2:30 PM]:
well thanks for taking the time to do something about it

Brown, Sally [2:31 PM]:
haha just wanted to make sure I wasnt the only one smelling it

Vecchi, Tony [2:32 PM]:
no i definitely catch a wiff of it from time to time
Vecchi, Tony [2:32 PM]:
seems like it's worse for you though!

Brown, Sally [2:34 PM]:
I know people probably think its me haha!

Vecchi, Tony [2:35 PM]:
hahahah awe man, well hopefully they'll figure it out soon or it goes away or something

Brown, Sally [2:35 PM]:
I think Justin Hebert is coming soon to smell around

Vecchi, Tony [2:35 PM]:
thank god

*At this point about 5 people show up and smell around Sally's desk. "Smells like eggs!" "Why does it only happen in the afternoon?" "I think it's you Sally!" were some quotes. The maintenance man decides to check below and above Sally's desk.

Brown, Sally [2:44 PM]:
I think for now I am just going to get a whole bunch of febreeze haha

Vecchi, Tony [2:45 PM]:
hahahah alright
Vecchi, Tony [2:45 PM]:
spritz some over in my direction too

Brown, Sally [2:47 PM]:
I will spray the entire hallway for sure

A Quick Email To My Voice Teacher Sent While Hungover

Sunday, June 27th, 2010

Dear XXX,

Unfortunately I need to cancel my lesson for this coming Monday the 28th. I drank myself into a retarded stupor last night and will only be able to produce sounds akin to that of a croaking frog for the next few days. Also, I believe I'm getting sick with that cold everyone who takes public transportation seems to have, despite my efforts to cover my face and hold my breath when a stranger coughs in my general direction. Also, I smoked a cigarette Saturday night. Also, I'm broke. With all of these reasons combined I hope you understand that if we were to meet this week our lesson would be you siting there playing piano and running through scales with an aged walrus blowing notes through a flat tire whose only payment would be a rusty tin can with 1 bean left inside.

I look forward to continuing our lessons next month, when I will be fully recovered, sober, and financially stable.

Thanks!

-Tony

Imagine If All The Water Disapeared

Bottled water that is.

During the Boil Order last week in Boston we saw a rampage for bottled water which left every CVS, Wholefoods, Target, and HESS gas station completely bereft of H20. I just so happened to be watching The Notebook that day and I swear to god my neighbor siphoned off my tears with a straw! The aqua-fervor became so outrageous there were stories of people buying water out of other people's shopping carts before they even reached the register only to have to buy it again! It wasn't like the water in our faucets was toxic, it wasn't as if when you turned on the cold tap a green mucus sludge belched forth into a frothing mass that ate through the floor. The water just had to be boiled. That's it! Just boiled. In my experiment it took about a half hour to boil 6 gallons of water, which is enough drinking water for 6 people a day. Then why the terror? Why did the Boil Order bubble over into a nightmare?

Because we're lazy.

Imagine this. During the Boil Order you actually boiled some water, filled a bottle, and let it sit overnight in the fridge to cool. What does it make? You guessed it, bottled water! Well put a feather in my cap Rob Hood because I just done make me a cup o' water.

So, what would have happened if we didn't have mountains of bottled water at our disposal? What if we lived in Concord when the water went bad?

Concord, MA Bans Bottled Water Sales: Environmentalists Confused With Encountering Common Sense and Eco-Empathy

In modern day Concord you can't buy bottled water! I imagine people's initial reaction upon hearing this is something akin to, "NOOOOOOO! I need my FIIJIIIIII WATER! I BABA DUBBA WAWA!"

Well my babies, too bad. Because of our collective laziness and irresponsibility we aren't allowed to have bottled water anymore. We're choking the environment with a plastic grip, we're polluting the oceans with discarded pull tabs and suckle tips. We've proved to this planet that we, as a human race, cannot handle the simple responsibility of reusing or recycling water bottles. What do you think? When you toss that Poland Springs out the window it lands on a bed of moss and is embraced back into the earth with the gentle arms of Mother Nature? NO! It just sits there. Then a baby raccoon finds it and somehow gets its head stuck inside. Soon little Ricky suffocates and dies and lies there to rot in the hot August sun. And it's your fault.

Don't blame the government or local town officials. They're just trying to lead you back upon the righteous path. Like I said before, we can't control ourselves. We are lazy and irresponsible and it's the government's job (sometimes) to guide and lead us in the most propitious direction.

So what if all the bottled water disappeared? What would we do? Gee... I don't know. What did people do 100 years ago when they were thirsty?

Think about it.

I imagine a Utopian paradise were every person each has their very own special water container that they keep for life. They'll be called, "Glug Sacks" and will be passed down from generation to generation. Different cultures will decorate their Glug Sacks with amazing colors and designs and form a strong communal bond. Across the world fountains of water will be available to all, each with an engraving that reads, "Water is the life mother. May it be free to all who desire."

Let's make it happen folks.

Can I have a sip from your Glug Sack?

Facebook Privacy Debate

I believe the saying is something akin to, "treat everything you do on the internet as if it were going to be the headline on tomorrow's newspaper." We as a generation (and perhaps a society) have no education on proper e-etiquette. Facebook is a wonderful tool if you use it properly, i.e. filter out friends you don't want, don't profess your innermost thoughts and emotions for the world to see in a status update, don't post pics of yourself naked guzzling pistachio pudding out of a plastic lawn ornament in the shape of a pig. It's about sensibility and responsibility.

I can't blame Facebook for wanting to cash in on people's info. I mean, they're not a philanthropist organization. How is Facebook going to profit if they can't collect and sell statistics on how many people have "Hebrew National Hotdogs" and "Justin Bieber" listed in their interests? And then, how will Bieber Dogs ever hit the market if companies don't know what people are interested in!? See? It's all for a good cause! Bieber Dogs in yo mouth!

My Review of MGMT's New Album "Shitabrontosaurusrex"

Since the internet already leaked their album, MGMT decided to say to the world, "You can't fire us, we already quit!"

Such guile! They preemptively posted their entire album before it hit the streets to get a one-up on their fans? Uh... let's hear what they have to say about this idea:

"We wanted to offer it as a free download but that didn't make sense to anyone but us"

Well yes! Of course it didn't make sense to anyone else BUT YOU (you rebels, you) because now your record label can't trick people into paying $10 to get sprayed in the face with a torrent of shit. They'll see it coming and run away before the first drop hits their cheek.

Anyway, take a listen!

http://www.whoismgmt.com/

OH HOW COOL A SONG ABOUT BRIAN ENO! I KNOW HIM!

Albums to listen to instead of the new MGMT album:

- Every album by the Kinks
- Having a Rave Up with The Yard Birds
- The Man Who Sold The World & Hunky Dory
- A recoding of a man inside an echo chamber who is vomiting pickles into a metal bucket

All of these are better than, or the original versions of, any of the musical ideas put forth in that album.