Imagine If All The Water Disapeared

Bottled water that is.

During the Boil Order last week in Boston we saw a rampage for bottled water which left every CVS, Wholefoods, Target, and HESS gas station completely bereft of H20. I just so happened to be watching The Notebook that day and I swear to god my neighbor siphoned off my tears with a straw! The aqua-fervor became so outrageous there were stories of people buying water out of other people's shopping carts before they even reached the register only to have to buy it again! It wasn't like the water in our faucets was toxic, it wasn't as if when you turned on the cold tap a green mucus sludge belched forth into a frothing mass that ate through the floor. The water just had to be boiled. That's it! Just boiled. In my experiment it took about a half hour to boil 6 gallons of water, which is enough drinking water for 6 people a day. Then why the terror? Why did the Boil Order bubble over into a nightmare?

Because we're lazy.

Imagine this. During the Boil Order you actually boiled some water, filled a bottle, and let it sit overnight in the fridge to cool. What does it make? You guessed it, bottled water! Well put a feather in my cap Rob Hood because I just done make me a cup o' water.

So, what would have happened if we didn't have mountains of bottled water at our disposal? What if we lived in Concord when the water went bad?

Concord, MA Bans Bottled Water Sales: Environmentalists Confused With Encountering Common Sense and Eco-Empathy

In modern day Concord you can't buy bottled water! I imagine people's initial reaction upon hearing this is something akin to, "NOOOOOOO! I need my FIIJIIIIII WATER! I BABA DUBBA WAWA!"

Well my babies, too bad. Because of our collective laziness and irresponsibility we aren't allowed to have bottled water anymore. We're choking the environment with a plastic grip, we're polluting the oceans with discarded pull tabs and suckle tips. We've proved to this planet that we, as a human race, cannot handle the simple responsibility of reusing or recycling water bottles. What do you think? When you toss that Poland Springs out the window it lands on a bed of moss and is embraced back into the earth with the gentle arms of Mother Nature? NO! It just sits there. Then a baby raccoon finds it and somehow gets its head stuck inside. Soon little Ricky suffocates and dies and lies there to rot in the hot August sun. And it's your fault.

Don't blame the government or local town officials. They're just trying to lead you back upon the righteous path. Like I said before, we can't control ourselves. We are lazy and irresponsible and it's the government's job (sometimes) to guide and lead us in the most propitious direction.

So what if all the bottled water disappeared? What would we do? Gee... I don't know. What did people do 100 years ago when they were thirsty?

Think about it.

I imagine a Utopian paradise were every person each has their very own special water container that they keep for life. They'll be called, "Glug Sacks" and will be passed down from generation to generation. Different cultures will decorate their Glug Sacks with amazing colors and designs and form a strong communal bond. Across the world fountains of water will be available to all, each with an engraving that reads, "Water is the life mother. May it be free to all who desire."

Let's make it happen folks.

Can I have a sip from your Glug Sack?