Tom Brady

Everyone,

I notice that we are constantly referring to Tom Brady (or THE PATRIOT MISSILE, as I prefer to call him) in such a mocking (and sometimes romantic) manner that we forget the utilitarian aspect of dropping his name around the office. I doubt any of us have any sincere feelings for Mr. Brady (or Old' Gimpy, as I will now call him) but we can certainly use our obtained knowledge of this athlete to boost our professional standing with fellow office workers, and especially the management.

Here are some examples:

Boss: Tony, will you please update this and do that and spend the next 3 hours performing skull-scrapingly-dull busy work for me?

Me: Sure thing Boss! I'd love to! Did you see the reports I've already prepared on the new project scheduled to begin next month?

Boss: Are you still talking to me? I think I left my BT on.

See? In this scenario I failed to mention Touch Down Brady Balls, and thus immediately lost the attention and respect of my Boss. Let's try that again...

Boss: Tony, will you please highlight and then unhighlight every name in my address book just to make sure that doing that doesn't actually do anything? Then can you spell check all the icon's on my desktop?

Tony: Anything you say sir! I'll get right to it... just after I'm done praying for Tom Brady's knee. Did you see the 1,000 paper cranes I made for him?

Boss: Promotion!

Bringing up professional sports teams such as The Red Sox, Patriots, or any of the great exploits of Scotty Pippin will instantly excite anyone within a 20ft radius of your cubicle, earning you the respect and adulation of your colleagues! Give it a try and see for yourself!

Song Lyrics

Often times a complaint handed to me is, "Yo Toadie! What you singing? WHUT YOU SAYJIN?"

Of course, I respond with, "LUHV! HA SEE YOU! WHEN YOUR HEAUBS NUB DIBBEN DEE BOO"

So I thought it might be nice to post the lyrics for a new song that you've never heard:

Choodapapee

Verse
Choodapapee ba na na -- girl
That's what you said to me.
Choodapapee ba na na ne na
That's what you said to me.

Choodapapee ba na na -- girl
That's what you said to me.
Choodapapee ba na na ne na
That's what you said to me.

Chorus
Choodapapee ba na na -- girl
That's what you said to me.
You wake me up when the morning comes,
It's an emergenceeeeeey eeeeyaaa.

Verse
Look what you did pretty baby
without an evil eye.
Crushed it up
with a credit card.
Its just a long goodbye.
Its just a long goodbye!

Chorus
Choodapapee ba na na -- girl
What does it mean to me?
Your crushed it up with a credit card
It's an emergenceeeeeey eeeeyaaa.

Bridge
Hope will never end.
Here with my friends.
Stay until the end.
You had it all... my friends.

Verse
Choodapapee-ba-na-na -- girl
Thats all you gave to me.

these are the names i go by:

tonzer

tanto

tin-tun

tuk-tuk

trott

tyior

tsanx

tenk ten

tip-tup

tuppie

tuppies

toopies

toupler

tektro

tung-ty

tragnt

trenty

list by BM

Ludite Literature

The Story of Little Cinnamon Danny:

"2! 3! Popsicle race!"
"snap! crap! right in yo face!"
What a silly game did the children play on a tuft of moss that afternoon. Their mothers had pushed them outside and locked the doors forcing the youths out into sunlight, a natural light, which burned their skin. "Errugh! this hurts!" one wailed at his first whiff of the sand filled air. There may have been 5 or 7 of them,but the conglomeration moved about in such a way as to make difficult in remunerating just how many mayonnaise-cheeked cherubs rolled about the streets that morning. It was hot, very hot, but soon they absconded into shade where the tiny glow of their flicker screens filled the air like fireflies. Popsicle Race was just released in stores the previous week, each had their own copy.

And so the children played throughout the length of the day, spitting out huge chunks of meat they tore from dried chicken strips, taking handfuls of malted cheese pizza balls and flinging them into their tiny chapped mouths. They were tired and bored, continuously in a torpid state of dissatisfaction. They dreamed of fresh batteries and new games, bigger screens and flashier graphics. Someday they would be old enough to find these things on their own, but for the time being they were young and unemployed, had to bide their time in the umbra of the trees where warmth and light dared not go.

A river ran across the edge of the forest. Inside a small, white boat sat a boy with ruddy cheeks and a mess of cinnamon hair. He was the eponymous Little Cinnamon Danny from the cereal commercials. The jingle ran through his head and caused ripples in the water, "Cinnamon shoes! Cinnamon shoes! Eat! Eat! Eat! till' you sing the blues! Cinnamon free! Cinnamon... wee! All together we're the cinnamon kids! Hay!" It drove him insane and he thought perhaps, if he took a boat out, something in nature would cleanse his mind, his 12-year-old mind.

The tiny vessel struck land near a small beach. Danny jumped from his seat and stretched his legs. An arrow shot out of the forest and caught him in the throat. He bled to death and then the kids with video games came and ate him. Lord of the flies. The End.

boof babies fallin' from the sky!

me: boof babies fallin' from the sky!

Gina: penis lickers lovin guys!

me: you, me, and a pizza pie!

Gina: So stomp 'dem feet, now don't be shy!

me: pick a plum and say "goodbye!"

Gina: Mommy, what happens when we die?

me: some go to hell, others in the sky

oh man i can feel that in my tingy tang when that little tougne slips in and out

Sent at 11:53 PM on Tuesday

Gina: ewwww

you are barfatrocious man

me: you are a beatific lady

Gina: aahahahaha

remember when you called me a ruffian and i cried?

me: hahah when was that?

and barfatrocious isn't a word

Gina: vomitrocious was what I meant

me: haha nice

Gina: hahaha

me: well i gave you a nice compliment

Gina: hmm. I am selling my old bed for $125!

tony. I think you are a unique and beautiful snowflake

me: thank yee

someday rudy is going to turn into a snowflake and fly away in the wind, and eddy is going to turn into a tennis ball and roll away into a playground

Gina: oh yes yes yes

me: and oma is going to turn into a ham and jump in the oven! and dad is going to turn into a dragon and breath fire down on a castle!

and i'm going to turn into a old wallet and someone is going to find me! and you are going to turn into a piece of yellow cake and a baby is going to eat you and make a mess!

um...

i can't think of one for mom

Sent at 12:00 AM on Wednesday

Gina: mom is going to turn into a computer. and sit in a closet.

me: NO GINA THAT IS DEPRESSING

Gina: hahahaha. i kid.

can you hear me cackling?!?

me: (but funny)

haha yes

Gina: mom is going to turn into some free weights which will be used by Billy Blanks offspring's offspring.

hows that?

me: very nice

randy will turn into a soccer ball that gets kicked into a crowd of ravenous sports fans.

Gina: im glad i turn into cake.

me: yum!

i'm probably going to hanky jank to some cinemax tonight, so don't go out in the living room

Sent at 12:04 AM on Wednesday

Gina is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Gina comes online.

Hunkin' and a Chunkin'

HAY!

Enough of This Decadence

My father said as he took the last chocolate.